alright, I will give you a real poem now, will you please critique?

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  • alright, I will give you a real poem now, will you please critique?


Answer #1 | 21/05 2009 19:55
I really like it, but then, I'm partial to things that rhyme.
Answer #2 | 22/05 2009 00:57
Love it, but I'd rearrange the words in the last line. From No longer anxiety inciting to anxiety, no longer inciting. Just seems to flow better that way. (To me, that is...;¬)
Answer #3 | 21/05 2009 19:58
just add some commas I think.... nice flow, great images Hear the tarp, the chimes, the water, the echoes of thoughts....
Answer #4 | 22/05 2009 04:50
Answer #5 | 22/05 2009 08:17
Just what everybody needs, a house louse, beyond his time! Can someone invent a big enough trap for this mouse?
Answer #6 | 23/05 2009 10:17
Good job
Answer #7 | 23/05 2009 10:17
The anxious nature of this poem quite relaxes me. I actually felt more anxiety near the end. Ahem - and as for criticism. I am not qualified. So I'll just say it made me feel something and that's good enough for me.
Answer #8 | 22/05 2009 11:22
You capture so well a moment in time and how you feel at that particular moment. I am glad you are claiming 'Yala' as your own; it is wonderfully peaceful. Wish you serenity and calmness; you deserve to feel happy and content. Be well.

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