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Honest criticism for my free verse poem?

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  • Honest criticism for my free verse poem?


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Answer #1 | 18/12 2013 22:07
"we originate from star dust", "I'll use the full moon as a buoy", "a stellar realization" This is really good material. "deftly dodging in and out" "and without you by my side" and " it's gravitational surface" are some of your weaker points. do not omit these lines, however, do consider rewording/revising them so that they do not sound as awkward. otherwise this is a wonderful piece of literature, and I envy the skill and creativity it must have taken to compose it.
Positive: 38 %
Answer #2 | 18/12 2013 22:15
consider removing the and from the last line. Other than that, this is a great poem!
Positive: 32 %
Answer #3 | 18/12 2013 22:52
Wow this is such an awesome poem! I love the language, the flow, the whole idea. The only criticism I have is this: "black, still ocean of twinkling stars." As soon as you said the stars are "twinkling" you contradicted yourself, since the "ocean" is no longer "still". Maybe try something like "black, coruscating ocean of twinkling stars" instead. Maybe even change the word "twinkling", because it's a bit overused. And in the last stanza you've suddenly changed from future tense to present, and it would sound better if you kept it all the same. Some other alternates you might want to think about: Instead of, "constellations radiating and illuminating the sky", try "lambent constellations illuminating the sky" because too many adverbs don't work well for poetry, as they're a bit awkward. Instead of, "asteroids deftly dodging in and out of each other", try "asteroids deftly dodging each other" because it doesn't make much sense, and "deftly dodging" creates alliteration which is good for flow. Hope this helps! Though I honestly think this is amazing. Do us all a favour and never ever stop writing. :) EDIT: Oh, and the "it's" in line 18 should be "its".
Positive: 12 %

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