Can someone help me rewrite this?

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  • Can someone help me rewrite this?


Answer #1 | 23/12 2013 00:34
Positive: 57 %
Answer #2 | 23/12 2013 07:20
Well, I don't really think it's horrible. I did notice, however, that you referred to "Draco" at the beginning, as if you going for 3rd person POV, but the rest is in first person. Who is Draco? Some one other than the main character? I would suggest to you that you read it out loud and you will be able to pick up on lots of things that need changing. It was very visually accurate - I mean I didn't feel confused by what was happening and I while I realize that this style of writing is not my preference, I can still say that I think it is pretty good and find myself wondering what is going to happen next. Don't be so hard on yourself, Richard. I think you also need to pay more attention to your syntax (this is one of my failings, so I am super aware). I also liked the image of "clouded by fear." That is perfect, considering what is happening. I say "good job." Keep up the writing.
Positive: 51 %

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